Ending the blesser-blessee exchange: A psychologist’s approach

Poverty and the lack of financial means to meet basic needs continues to push more young girls and women into transactional sexual relationships with older men. This is revealed in a research study conducted by Sibongile Sibanyoni, a clinical psychologist from the University of Pretoria.

In a webinar hosted by the National Shelter Movement recently, Sibanyoni blamed social media for presenting blesser and blessee relationships as attractive and as a fair option for young people. “Most of the young women engaged in these relationships mostly because of financial deprivation. Luxuries were not a thing that really prompted them to be in the relationship. The main contributing factor was really a dire need to have their basic needs met,” said Sibanyoni.

Transactional sex refers to a sexual relationship motivated by an implicit assumption that sex will be exchanged for material support and other benefits. Blesser (older man) and blessee (young girl) are slang words used to refer to individuals in these kinds of relationships wherein sex is perceived as an exchange with no further commitment.

Although this seems to be sex work, Sibanyoni argues that blesser and blessee relationships are not a form of sex work, mainly because sex work is criminalised in South Africa, whereas blesser and blessee relationships are not. “There’s also the aspect of emotional attachment in blesser and blessee relationships because you find that the relationships are not so short-lived as those in sex work. In sex work, it can just be a once-off encounter that people have with each other. They never have to see each other again. There are also some family members and communities that support blesser and blessee relationships,” she said.

Do you wonder why we turn,
why we turn for payment to di (the) blesser?
Do you wonder?
Thank God,
some like me escaped starvation to tell of our journeys and our stories
as we went from grace to grass.
How did we make it?
Did we make it?
A paragraph from a poem written by one of Sibanyoni’s participants in the research, who was in a relationship with a blesser.

Through her research study, Sibanyoni presented ways that psychologists can effectively support young clients experiencing distress due to poverty and a lack of emotional support that may lead them to seek financial support from older men.

Sibanyoni’s model starts with interventions at the level of mental health and and its connection to intergenerational sexual relationships. Girls showing signs of distress should be able to get a referral for professional, psychological support.

“More practically, we are looking at self-esteem resilience workshops. We’re looking at trauma-informed counselling and peer-support networks; we are looking at comprehensive sexual and reproductive health education as the primary intervention, and secondly, we are also looking at community and policy interventions, such as legal advocacy for stricter protections of these young women, as well as awareness campaigns targeting families and communities.”

She added that economic empowerment plays a critical role in building economic independence for girls and women. “We would expect to see improved mental health and self-worth of these young women. We would expect to reduce cases of transactional sex and associated risks. In terms also of their thinking and mindset: if young people believe that they can do something because there’s information, because there are opportunities, there are resources, they won’t have to see this as an option,” said Sibanyoni.